Why the 1st Year of Marriage Is Often the Most Difficult

First Year of Marriage

“So, how’s married life?”

It was the question everyone asked us, and one that always left me feeling a little bereft as to what to say.

The truth is, our first year of marriage was tough. Very tough. Not because we’d made a mistake, not because I regretted the decision, not because I wanted out. Even though I was sure we’d chosen right and wanted in—it was still surprisingly tough.

I cried. A lot. Tears of frustration. Tears of pain. Tears of despair. Tears of martyrdom, spilled out on my pillow before sleep finally came. My husband coped with it in his own way: he withdrew into the safe, ordered world of writing computer code. At least there, he understood the problems.

We were in love, but we were only just beginning to learn how to love one another well. We hadn’t yet begun to learn that beyond the declarations of love and commitment comes the daily study of discerning what your spouse likes, and deeper than that—how your spouse thinks.

There was no particular sin or problem that made it hard. It wasn’t that we were mismatched. It was more just that it was painful to figure out the changes. The most honest thing we were able to say about that first year was that it was “a big adjustment.”

Here are three things we found surprisingly tough to adjust to:

1. A New Schedule of Together/Alone Time
It was hard to change our expectations of how time together was spent. When we were dating and engaged, our time together was spent “TOGETHER,” and then we went home to our respective houses and did our alone-time things alone. But once we were married, was time at home together time, or alone time? How did we figure that out? I expected marriage to feel more like an extended low-fuss date. He expected it to feel more like alone time, except with me in the house. It was a painful adjustment for both of us.

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SOURCE: Relevant Magazine
Bronwyn Lea

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